Christmas.

"I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but Im not happy. I dont feel the way Im supposed to feel. I just dont understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards, and decorating trees and all that, but Im still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed." - Charlie Brown

Smoky, morning haze.

Dedicated to those that have lost their way. May you find your way again soon.

                                                       1. More Than Life by Whitley

2. The Tide Pulls from the Moon by William Fitzsimmons

3. State Hospital by Frightened Rabbit


4. A Lack of Color by Death Cab for Cutie

5. Cactus In The Valley - Acoustic by LIGHTS

6. This Is For Keeps by The Spill Canvas

7. Mended by The Autumn Film

8. Blindsided by Bon Iver

9. Weightless by City and Colour

10. Awake My Soul by Mumford & Sons

11. My Apologies by Isbells

12. Guide to an Escape by Rue Royale

Comatose.

I'll let the silence speak for me. 
The words are like stars unimaginable in my sky. 

I can see what the eyes cannot see. 
I can hear what the ears cannot hear. 
I can feel what the heart and mind cannot feel. 
I am imagination. 

What if dreams were reality? 
We could reap a world we've sewn. 
Lost in imagination. 
Lost in a world that is not your own. 
Watching my world crumble away while I'm searching for meaning and purpose in this life. 
Flourished in knowledge and gifted with a pure existence. 

I can see what the eyes cannot see. 
I can hear what the ears cannot hear. 

I've given myself a reason to live for. 
On my own, I've given myself something to live for. 
On my own. 

Upon this desolate rock, I cast my soul into the sky, 
Liberating myself and opening my mind to the universe. 
Together we will shine a light like stars burning through the dark.

Being grown up, isn't half as fun as growing up

These are the best days of our lives

We never change, do we?

Words.

Words can be powerful and it all depends on understanding what they actually mean and the actions associated with them. 

The Past.

What you encountered yesterday was essentially the past. Funny isn't it? Time flies and we often have this notion that if it's passed, it doesn't mean anything to us. Oh, but that's when you're wrong. The past is always going to hold memories of something you wish you forgotten a long time ago, it holds the people you used to be friends with, it represents who you are today - in other words, it's pretty much embodied to how you act and feel in a certain way.

My main point is that if you have problems that weren't fixed from the past, chances are it will greatly affect your present and your future. Sometimes, we get bitter over certain aspects of our past and when this bitterness carries over in the present, then something is wrong. As Chuck Palahniuk has stated in this quote, "People are all over the world telling their one dramatic story and how their life has turned into getting over this one event. Now their lives are more about the past than their future." You see, sometimes we're all so caught up in our emotions that we momentarily forget that maybe our past is significantly affecting how we act now. It's an unnerving feeling to be angry over something that happened a while ago because you have to realise that grudges towards people aren't going to do you any favours and it's honestly a waste of time. What many people don't understand is that if you have problems associated with your past that are still unsolved, it's best to fix them before you move on to something else.

We all need some form of clarity to be able to move on with our lives so basically, if you don't completely end the chapter of what was in your past, then you certainly aren't ready to move on to the chapter of your future until you do. We all form coping mechanisms to get over things and we usually try and seek for something 'better' in our lives. and when the opportunity comes, we cling onto it like no tomorrow despite what our past tells us. The next three words are probably going to piss you off but seriously, get over yourself.  It's not going to change what happened in your past and despite how much joy it brings to your life you have to realise that you're making a mistake. You need to honestly question yourself -  Am I completely over my past? We all get caught up in this fantasy of finding something 'better' but when we do, we pretty much ignore the world and focus on this 'better' thing that has happened in our lives, yet the irony is that if we receive any reminder of the past it singlehandedly ruins us in whatever state we're in, leaving feelings of anger and bitterness once again.

What I'm saying is we need to wake up to ourselves and realise that we need to stop this nonsense of leeching onto something just to get over what has happened in the past. Chances are, you're not over the past and the past will greatly overtake your present if you don't claim some closure and peace of mind from it. In other words, forgive your past and what it has done to hurt you because the last thing you want is for it to interfere with what you're experiencing now. Yes, it's important to make decisions based on how we feel but sometimes we need to ignore that and realise we also need to think about them carefully. Not only should you use your heart in making decisions but the mind also comes into play. There needs to be some sort of logic before you get yourself into something. Ask yourself - am I really ready to be fully committed to this without my past intervening?

Otherwise, fuck the past. Don't ever let it weigh you down and if it does, deal with what is upsetting you, so you can finally move on from all the pain and regret. It's honestly not worthy of your time and I'm sure you wouldn't want to hurt other people because of how it has affected you as a person. Leave all the ugly things. It's time to let go.

Time & Change.

We live in a world where time does not stop for anyone and a world where change is inevitable. Things do not stay constant as much as we want to. There are times where there's a lot of instability in certain aspects of our lives, but we wouldn't learn from anything if change were not present in our lives.

From a personal perspective, there have been numerous times where I have just sat in silence, wondering where the time went and who I spent it with. Wondering if all the people I spent it with were worth my time, wondering if I ever did enough and wondering if the people I keep in contact now will remain in my life. To be fair, I've actually had days where I've just wanted to get away from my routine and just do something out of my daily schedule, but come to think of it, I just don't have the time right now to do anything spontaneous.

Most of us seek to do adventurous and spontaneous things but as we grow older and change, we always put off these opportunities and just wait it out if things will pan out the way we want it to be. We make excuses to do these things because we're either catching up with friends, going to uni/school and for the most part, working for a living. As more time passes, we tend to think about the opportunities out there but we never really get the chance to take or fulfil them. Similarly, if you've been put through a situation where things are just so damn complicated, you come up with an approach to it. But the more time you procrastinate and put it off, your whole approach to the situation changes - just like that.

My main point is, that time is of the essence and through this, we limit our opportunities due to our schedules and procrastination. I've come to the realisation that sometimes waiting it out for a situation to become "better" doesn't necessarily happen, and the outcomes of what was expected may turn out into something completely different.

People don't seem to realise this, but we all take time for granted. Time is what makes us form those moments and memories we share with people.
It's a depressing thought to think that we don't have much of it left. It is unfortunate that time is made up of uncertainty and that we are unable to predict on what will happen next.

Have you ever thought about the uncertainty of tomorrow and what's in store? I've had my fair share of that question so many times, I've lost count. I'm sure you have too.

In essence, we are all individuals living different lives. We're not the same people as we were 5 years ago because different experiences have shaped us into who we are now. Nonetheless, appreciate the change and the fulfilling learning experiences you have gone through in life. Because you're not going to get a single day back from your past as much as you want to. Just remember to live, laugh and grow because life isn't about the amount of days you have lived through, but the quality of moments that have made you feel a sense of happiness and appreciation for those people that made your life worth living. Make it count - don't live with regret!

You gotta swim, swim for your life.

Friends to Best Friends to Strangers.

It's a cycle that many people experience through this day and age. I guess all I can say is you can find the satisfaction of deleting someone from your Facebook but you can't delete the memories you shared with that person because they were once something to you and you know it.

My advice is, don't give up on the friendships you have that you know that are true to you. You could lose valuable people over grudges and situations that could've been fixed properly or by simply just losing touch and drifting apart.

Otherwise, don't make promises you can't keep. Don't abuse someone's trust if you know you're going to use them in the end. Don't be a doormat to people that don't give a shit about you. Lastly, if you have friends that forgive you for your mistakes, never let them go because it's fucking hard to find those sorts of people anywhere.

Q&A

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

The first choice definitely. I've been in a situation where I did confess to someone that I had feelings for them. It was one of the most challenging things I've ever done in my life because it's just the uncertainty of whether or not the person is interested you or not. You also have to consider the possibility of rejection and what sort of impact it can make to your friendship if you are friends with the person.

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? 

Yes, I was really angry because I felt like I was drifting apart with a really close friend of mine. Turns out, I didn't really think about how much shit they had to worry about and what circumstances they were in. I guess when you're angry, you say a lot of crap you don't mean half the time. No, I don't feel the same way because there's no point. I love that person and would not stay mad at her for longer than a day.

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?

That is a really difficult question to answer and I really don't want to prioritise someone over another person because there are some people that mean so much to me that do deserve that phone call. I would probably record a video and attempt to send it to them so they can hear my last words of goodbye. 

4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?

Of course I would inform people, and how I would spend my time is to be with my loved ones . To be honest, I am afraid of death but it happens every day in any part of the world. You can't change the fact that you'll die someday but when the time comes, you just have to learn to accept it I guess. But yeah, if I had a time limit on how many days I had to live, first priority is to just spend all of that time with people I give a shit about.

5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.

Trust. Because no relationship can work without trust. It's honestly the epitome of relationships. If you don't have trust, you basically have nothing. 

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?

Yes, I would save the dog's life. I love animals and would be willing to save that dog's life and lose my job over it. Screw it if I get fired, I'll be satisfied to do a good deed :)

7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?

The first choice. I've already been hurt by people that I used to trust. People change, people move on and sometimes, you're just better off without them. 

8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?

That would be one of the hardest situations to be in. But hypothetically, if I have feelings for them, I'd tell them straight away that the feelings are mutual. If I only ever see them as a friend, I'd have to say I don't feel the same way even if it hurts them. This is why I'm against best friends going out, it's good in a way that you know each other from the core, but once the relationship is over, so is your friendship. 

9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?

Definitely. Because I miss that person so much. I could say so much to them for an hour. You have no fucking idea. 

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

Yeah. I guess you could say that. I put a lot of effort in the friendships I've maintained today so I would be friends with me :)

11. Does love = sex?

You don't need to have fucking sex to know what love is. You're just horny. 

12.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?

I would leave the company. I've always been a selfless person and find it really satisfying to help others before myself. It's always been like that and I would be grateful otherwise, knowing that I've given somebody a chance to be happy and that they have less problems to deal with in their life.

13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?

Referring to Q2, basically expressed how I felt to them over message and how angry I was. This happened 3 weeks ago and it was to one of my best friends. 

14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?

I reckon they're both equally as hard to be in. Either way, it would be heart wrenching to do them if I were in those situations.

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?

Losing any of my current best friends right now. It would be so hard to lose them because I've put in so much effort into our friendships and would not give up on them unless I've put in everything I've got to save it. It would be hard to lose because these people have really no idea how much of an impact they've made in my life. 

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?

Love is out of the question, but I did express to someone that I liked them a while back from now. They were just a good friend but unfortunately I don't keep in touch with that person anymore. 

17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?

I wouldn't change anything because if that's how my life was supposed to be, then so be it. 

18.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?

A close family member of mine or any of my best friends.

19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?

Yes, I would. Even though they really don't have much of a fulfilling life, they still have plenty of opportunities to make it better. 

21.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?

Man, that's a really fucked up situation. Even if it's impossible to save them both, I'll try and find a way somehow. 

22. Are you old fashioned?

Yeah, I can be.

23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?

I don't keep track on those things because I don't expect anything in return for it. Keeping tabs on anything really basically means you do expect something from what you have done for them.

24.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?

Probably the first one. Whatever true love is, broken hearts can be mended and they can heal. You just have to not lose hope and just try again to make things work. Till this day and age, I really don't have any idea what love is and probably will not until later. 

25.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?

To live a carefree life. Hakuna Matata. 

You can't buy forgiveness or blame me for the fall.

I never said thank you for that, now I'll never have a chance.

02/09/09

Assumptions.

"When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me." 

Let's face it. I bet the people that stalk this blog assumed my previous blog post "Expectations" was directed to a certain someone. If you did, then you just made an ass of yourself. 

I guess the influence of the internet and what we post online is why sometimes people end up getting pissed off and frustrated over something that they think is about them but really it wasn't. I hate the internet for that. It's hard enough to realise who you trust, but it is also a challenge to express what you think online because people automatically judge you on what you post and what it's exactly about.

Don't get me wrong but the truth is, what I post on this blog and anywhere on the internet is what I want to do. But if you're going to judge what I say based on what I post here on something related to my personal life or what you have heard from other people, then get out of here.

The main reason why I post on this blog is I write from what I've experienced, trying to make it relatable for everyone to read. It is what I think about when I'm going through something and the only way of trying to make sense of things is from what I write and formally express.

I'm not afraid to admit that I've made an ass out of myself for assuming things that have been posted online. It's made me realise that sometimes it's better to keep things to yourself and to just express your feelings of anger and hatred about someone somewhere where nobody can read it. Not only will it save you from unnecessary drama from happening, but it'll save you from crap happening in the first place.

Only if it were easy and only if people were smart enough to realise that you're hurting individuals silently without knowing it. What I'm saying is, that sometimes expressing your feelings online when you're angry and disappointed to a specific person indirectly is more damaging to the person receiving all of it. It changes your perception about you and that person. It changes everything no matter how much of a saint you are. If you assume, you also have to face ridiculous consequences that could've changed if the situation was handled properly.

The rarest kind of people are the ones that take the blame for what they posted and understand the person on the receiving end on how they are feeling. Because I can tell you now, writing even the most vague posts about someone can still make someone believe it's about them. It's normal to assume because if we didn't, our criticism, how we judge and think about things would be very clouded.

All in all, we all say things we don't mean when we're angry. But I guess at this day and age we can't really stop anyone from posting how they feel, can you? 

It doesn't mean goodbye, it's just the simple truth.

Expectations.

People say "No expectations leads to no disappointments" but we all know that isn't true. It's pretty much inevitable, we always expect something in return in some form, in some way.

At the end of the day, expectations are made in both a friendship and relationship. We expect people to do the right thing, we expect people to be there for you etc, but what happens when people just let you down? Constantly letting you down over and over again. You're just left with disappointment and to be honest with you, it's not the greatest feeling.

Have you ever felt like you've cared about a certain person and would do anything for them yet they pretty much take you for granted? It sucks, doesn't it? When you're constantly putting so much effort in a certain relationship and getting nothing back. What's the point really? There really isn't any point if you're wasting energy on certain people that don't give a shit about you, that clearly don't want anything to do with you and that feed you with bullshit and shit excuses.

For a while now, I've felt like I'm a door mat to some people. Like they can just freely walk all over me whenever they please but when I ask something from them, just a simple favour, they do nothing. It's fucking great. Note the sarcasm. Either way, I can tell you now that people are going to disappoint you.

No matter how close you are, no matter how 'good' your relationship may be, people are just going to disappoint you no matter what. It honestly can be anybody and it'll be most likely the person you'll least expect it to be. 

Walking With Happiness.

Wish.

Be careful for what you wish for.


Sometimes obsession can be a bad thing, especially if it's something concerning your self-esteem. I guess there are some people out there that take compliments about themselves as a joke.


"You're beautiful, just the way you are."

"You don't need to lose weight, just be happy and eat healthy."

"If a boy calls you fat, you shouldn't let him ruin you just because he's said that about you. There's more to love about you on the inside. He's just too blind to see it."

If they do, they've come to the point where they've reached their lowest of lows where no one can really convince them to be optimistic about themselves anymore. It's really upsetting seeing someone like that. It's never too late to start over. I mean, as much as I dislike certain people from what they've turned out to be, I wouldn't want anyone to go through something so physically & mentally exhausting, something as bad as an eating disorder. It's really not right for someone to even go through that. It's an unhealthy obsession, an obsession that is so hard to beat especially to females caring about what they weigh rather than looking at the wonderful qualities that they have on the inside.

What I'm saying is, you should fight off the demons that haunt you everyday. Just do your best because not only are you affecting yourself and changing your lifestyle, but you are also affecting the people that you love, the people that care about you.

I know it's none of my business on what anybody is going through, but if you really have lost all faith and are constantly doubting yourself and feeling guilty over something, seek help. You could actually make a difference from saving yourself into something that can potentially ruin your life. Think about it.

Loneliness.

I must admit it's not the nicest feeling. There is a difference between feeling and being alone. As a matter of fact, I am an introvert and I love being alone - I love having alone time, it's something that I need because being surrounded by people sometimes can really drain me. But feeling alone? God, I hate that feeling.

I believe it is one of the most ugliest feelings a person can ever experience. That saying, you can categorize the feeling of loneliness under depression and I know what depression is, cause someone whom I'm very close to suffers from it. It's really hard knowing that this person will feel lonely no matter what you say. Words can only go so far, but I guess it's the actions that count more, right? 

Absolutely.

To make it pretty clear, I really do love making people happy but it's a challenge sometimes to cheer them up when they've hit rock bottom. How are you supposed to react when someone just breaks down in front of you? What do you do if you hear one of your closest friends crying on the phone to you? What do you say? It's really difficult, and sometimes, I'm afraid that what I've done to support the people I truly care about hasn't been enough.

To be honest, I set high expectations on myself especially when it comes to my family and my closest friends. I feel like I have the responsibility of taking care of them because it's not cause I feel obliged to, but because I want to. When I care, I fucking mean it.

It's sometimes really painful to care too much because sometimes, it affects me too. I know this is extremely corny, but if someone tells me their problems, I carry them as my problems as well. I feel like it's my responsibility to carry them with me so their burden becomes my burden as well. But in all honesty, I do it because it's out of love and respect and those are the two qualities I'm not afraid to admit that I have. 

Otherwise, statistically speaking, I think there are billions of people out there that are unfortunate in having to deal with their problems on their own, and that fucking sucks. What would life be like if you were alone? How would you even cope with life? I think it would be fucking torture if you had to deal with your problems on your own, especially with no support network to turn to when things go to shit.

I guess loneliness is and will be a feeling that "makes the world go round" because I'm sure all of you have felt it before. It's not the best feeling and it can make you feel like shit but I just want you to know that a lonely person just wants to be heard. A lonely person doesn't like being ignored and they are the type that needs to be looked after and cared for. They would be too stubborn to seek help cause if they do, they would think of it as selfish thing to do.

To anyone that is reading this, regardless of who you are, I hope that if you ever do experience the feeling of loneliness just know that someone out there does care for you. I know you've probably heard this before, but you've got to remember that your problems shouldn't be dealt with on your own. Life isn't easy. In fact, it's challenging but if you look around you, there are people that mean a hell of a lot to you, and you wouldn't be here if it weren't for them helping you cope with certain things in your life.

I am honestly grateful for having an amazing set of genuine friends that I can count on for life, I'm also grateful for the people who have shown any sense of care and compassion when I was going through a hard time in my life. I just want to say, thank you for doing that because without you all, I wouldn't have made through a lot of things if it weren't for your kindness, strength, compassion and a listening ear. So thank you.

"And if you’re feeling alone, know that the world can be a lonely place but it would be lonelier without you in it." - Hayley Williams

Holding Back.

Because sometimes the past can really hurt you, to the point where taking chances is even out of the question.

Don't Wait.

Sometimes in life, you get a little stressed out from everything. Too often we underestimate how much time we really have and that's when you realise that you're growing up way too fast.

I don't know about you, but the feeling of being on a swing for me is the closest thing to being invincible. Today, I finally decided to walk to the nearest swing set I could find nearby my house and I just sat there swinging for a good hour or so. And it was all that I needed to feel happy again.

I miss being a kid. I really do. I sometimes look back and think to myself, where did all the time go? As adults, we're all caught up in meaningless routines. We always make excuses that we don't have time to appreciate the little things in life, but at the end of the day, you do have the time. Being busy doesn't have to mean you can't stop once in a while and just appreciate the beautiful things that surround you.

This song is one of my favourite songs of all time. The last verse says so much,

"Don't wait, Don't wait
The lights will flash and fade away
The days will pass you by
Don't wait"

It's basically saying that we shouldn't wait. We shouldn't wait for life to happen. Because you know what? It is happening.
Your life shouldn't be taken for granted. It is what it is and you're making it happen right now. We have all made big decisions, we have all made mistakes but it's amazing how the combination of these two things have made us to who we are right now.

Life shouldn't be about the choices that we "settle" for because it's "convenient" and it's available. Life shouldn't be something that's made up of achievements to make someone else happy.

You are living for today. You are living because YOU matter. Remember that.

Sometimes the decisions we make don't turn out that great, but the funny thing is, there will always be something good that comes out of them no matter what. And believe it or not, every decision that you learn from makes you wiser by the day.

Life is beautiful, don't take it for granted. I'm not saying it's going to be easy along the way, but it'll be worth your while.

Start living today, don't wait for tomorrow.

Hurt me once, hurt me twice...

Hurt me three times, no matter how many times I've been hurt, I will always be stronger than before. 

Here's to love and its wounds that it has given me, here's the time where all of it will heal. 

Happiness.

What makes you happy? Have you ever asked yourself that?

It's a very subjective question to ask what is the cause of your happiness because there are a lot of people that have different answers to this question. It's interesting to know that happiness to many people is money but is it because we can buy the things that we want with money? Or is it because the thrill of having it is just as satisfying as to spending it?

I don't know why some people think bragging is something to be proud of especially if their happy. Like, I know that you're happy that you've achieved something in particular, but is it really necessary to show off to other people when really they don't give a shit? It just makes me feel a bit sorry for people that are like that, especially to people that have parents that basically give them everything.

The true meaning for happiness to me anyway is finding people that you can completely be yourself with. Whether you find these in your friends, family, significant other or whatever, it makes me happy spending time with people that actually mean something to me. You do the things that you love with them and just talking to them about what's on your mind, it's amazing how that feeling comes when I'm with my friends or family.

I guess happiness is something that comes to those that truly deserve it and in saying this, I love hearing people that achieve great things with their career paths or people that have found someone that they can truly love and be happy with. It's nice to know that sometimes not all bad things happen in this world and to have the perception that just because you've had a bad day or bad week, doesn't mean it'll be the same tomorrow or the next day.

I just think it's challenging to get my head around certain things not being set in stone but I guess that's life. It's scary to live life but exciting at the same time.

But anyway, I hope to the person reading this is happy and if you are, make the most of it. If you're not happy, just remember that life isn't all rainbows and that we have to get through the rain first before we see the beautiful spectrum of colours arched in the sky. Don't give up and know that sometimes tomorrow will be better than today. Happy Easter everyone x